No, I’m not joking about the Peter, Paul and Mary song of the same name as my blog post title, this is another joke from Roland in Brisbane (as ever). However, I’ll paste the lyrics of the song at the end of the joke.

If I had a Hammer

The judge looked at the man stood in the dock.

“You are accused of attacking the landlord of ‘The Carpenters Arms’ public house with a hammer,” began the judge.

“Liar, liar!” came a voice from the back of the court, “It’s all lies!”

The judge ignored the interruption and continued:

“You are also accused of attacking a bartender at ‘The Carpenters Arms’ with a hammer on the same night.”

“You big liar! You big liar!” shouted the man at the back of the court.

The judge paused meaningfully, gave the man a look that could kill, and continued his address:

“Not only that, you are accused of taking the same hammer to attack the policeman who was called to the scene to intervene…”

“You big, big liar! You great big hairy liar!” shouted the incensed man at the back of the court.

“And who,” the judge inquired with a sneer, “are you?”

The man stood up.

“I have lived next door to the accused for all of ten years now and I know for certain that my neighbour is incapable of committing the crime he is accused of.”

“And how do you know that, pray tell?” asked the judge.

“Well, your Lordship, every time I ask to borrow his hammer he tells me he doesn’t have a hammer!”

Read more: Peter, Paul & Mary – If I Had A Hammer Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I’m not much of a Facebook person (although I do put my blog posts on Facebook) but, just occasionally, I dip in and see what my friends and family are up to.

I know why I’m not much of a Facebooker… you plan a quick dip but find yourself completely engulfed and two hours later you come out of it with a couple of the hilarious photos you came across during your fascinating excursion into other people’s lives!

Thank you to someone on Facebook (can’t remember who) for these gems.

Once again I have a joke from Roland… does he make them up? All I can say is that I hope he keeps them coming because my dear old Mum loves them!

The Unfaithful Wife and the Suspicious Husband

The suspicious husband had good grounds to be suspicious of his wife. After twenty long years of marriage there were certain little tell-tale signs of change afoot… There was the drastic diet, the gym workouts, the Botox and “Fillers” (at first the husband thought she meant Polyfiller), the car maintenance classes, “Sociology for Beginners”, also the “Let’s Learn Spanish”, “French” and “Italian” classes.

“I need to find myself!” the bored wife had declared, before going on a night out with the girls.

“So where can I find you maid?” asked the husband.

She flounced out without bothering to answer.

This sort of behaviour had been going on for a quite a time. At last, one evening, upon noticing how surprisingly pretty and well-dressed she was – considering the wife was going out for her ladies “Honiton Lace-making class” – the suspicious husband could contain himself no longer…

“You be seeing a man – baint you? Be honest maid.” (the husband, having being born and bred in Widdicombe-in-the-Moor, had a strong Devonshire accent) “Be it my friend Tom? I’ll bet it’s Tom. You always liked him.” (Not Tom Cobbly, I hasten to tell you.)

“Don’t be absurd!” the wife remarked in an uppity manner that she wouldn’t have used in the old days before her sociology classes (in the past she would have told him not to be mad).

“Well, if tiddn’ Tom” (if it isn’t tom), “Who be ee? Be ee my old friend Dick?”

“Dick? Your friend Dick from Widdecombe?” (not to be confused with Dick Whittington) sneered the now glamorous wife, “I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole!”

“P’r’aps not, no,” the suspicious husband pondered, “what about my other good mate ‘arry?  Ee be a ladies’ man. ‘Ave you been ‘aving it off wi’ ‘Arry maid?”

“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” answered the incensed, and not uncensured, unfaithful wife.