It doesn’t mean you’re getting old just because friends keep sending you jokes about old folk – at least, I wouldn’t like to think so. Thanks for this clutch of jokes goes to Barry, our old neighbour in Australia (who is much older than me!).
THE HOT SEAT
An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into.
He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher.
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” he cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm sir… an officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later the officer radios in.
“Disregard,” he says, “He got in the back-seat by mistake.”
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WHAT WAS I THINKING OF?
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’
The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’
She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’
She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door’.
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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday’
And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’
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SUPERSEXY
A little old lady, wearing only a nightgown, was running up and down the halls and passageways of the nursing home in which she lived.
As she ran past other residents, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’
She went up to an elderly man in a wheelchair… Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex…’
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’
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ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE
Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me …. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is… ‘
His friend stared at him for at least three minutes — he just stared and stared at him.
Finally, he said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’
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SENIOR DRIVING
While a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he listened to his wife’s voice warning him urgently, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’
‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’