We have more visitors, this time from Australia again. I know, I’ll try to be careful with my diet – don’t want to ruin the good work of the last week. Anyway, our guests are a nice couple who just happen to be the brother and sister-in-law of my recently widowed friend who used to be an old boyfriend many years ago, long before I married Chris. It sounds more complicated than it is. Well, our visitors have stopped off for a few days in Devon before carrying on to Cornwall and we’re having a lovely time. This morning I received such a funny email from our mutual friend/brother-in-law (you understand) that I’m going to share it with you. Of course, it’s all tongue-in-cheek.

Dear Sally,
You have got no idea how much I wish I was there, I can just see it all now.
Sue and Glenn on one side of the table, me sitting at the end of the table,
they are to my right, I’m only at the end of the table because I’m on my own, not
because I’m the master! Chris and you are to my left but you happen to be closest to me
just by organised chance! The dinner is on the table, the conversation is back and forth,
and of course the wine is flowing. Somehow or other I manage to stretch my leg out
and reach your’s without creating any suspicion, and because the weather is so hot
none of us are wearing full shoes only sandals or flip flops. A toe touches a toe!
A hidden smile, and an undetectable glance of eyes shows that we have made the
slightest of contact!
Then a thought crosses my mind? What if Chris has his right leg wrapped around
yours? What if he outthought me and knew I might try a sneaky footsy contact? How embarrassing for you and me! I would have to put it down to cramp, or because it’s
my bad leg, an innocent stretch, but then again with my toes touching his albeit for a split
second, a whole new world might have opened up and we could become the closest of
friends!!!!!!! ……….

And this is part of my reply….

Felicity the cat may not be very clever but she has her future all mapped out. She wants to do her “A Levels” twice, have a gap year, go to university, do the first year again (in case she doesn’t feel confident that she understood everything), perhaps change direction from social science to the performing arts, which will stand her in good stead for doing a three weeks fitness teaching course (costing £1,000) when she drops out from the performing arts course; ultimately, she intends to work at Tescos in Exeter because it’s far enough away from Dawlish not to expect to be seen by snooty friends.

Flea, as we call her affectionately, was slightly worried until her “Gwanny Porch” came over for lunch the other day. You see Flea is nearly twenty and still can’t read – she isn’t as gifted as my sister’s monkey called Andy – and she admitted to her granny that she was afraid that she might not get into school, let alone university. Typical Granny Porch became quite cross when Flea sat on her lap for a cuddle and complained of being depressed…

“What utter nonsense,” Granny said with authority, “everybody knows that anybody can get into university nowadays!”

Not being very bright, our Flea didn’t know that… but now she does and she’s looking forward to many years of the student life. Flea is intelligent enough to anticipate that they will be “the best years of my life, so long as I get into a university at least two hundred miles away from home!”

And her name is Felicity, but we call her Flea…

My sister’s little monkey is a typical youngster, he can do almost anything – he’s so clever!

I thought you might be as amused as I was to read the following email received from a very dear (and slim – and kind and gorgeous) male friend in Australia (name and number available upon request to the highest bidder – only ladies from the Southside of Brisbane please).

Dearest rabbit,

Lettuce leaves! Hmmm, maybe you would be better off not washing them first,
for you never know your luck there could be a nice fat caterpillar on the inside that could
boost your mineral intake for the day. My birds don’t seem to worry about a grub or two,
in fact they look quite slim on a diet of bread and their occasional caterpillar!

I read your blog on your now current diet, and it was a really good description
how you’re now trying to manage yourself in your new diet phase, phase 13 I believe!!
Ironically enough I’m on a diet too! No, not food, for I can eat bread, chips, crisps,
bacon, biscuits, potatoes, cake, sweets, pasta, chocolate, puddings, pastry, cream,
custard, fatty meat, cheese or anything else I might fancy. No my diet is a SEX diet!

You would not believe how successful  I’ve been! Not a hint of any sex passing
my lips whatsoever! I think its a question of just saying “no” to any temptation that
might be put in front of you! If you could apply that theory to your diet then I’m sure
by the time 3 months is out, you would, or could be the next Twiggy!

Your pal …….

Ummmm… All that talk of bread, chips, crisps, bacon…etc… has made me feel quite hungry. My mouth is watering. No, no, no!!! On the quiet, I’m glad I’m not one of my friend’s “birds” on a diet of bread and caterpillars!

How can it be? How can it really be that after all that exercise and starvation yesterday, all the willpower and all that positive thinking, all the prodding and smoothing of my newly skinny, honed body as I laid in bed this morning excited to get up and jump on the scales, that after all that I’ haven’t lost anything! In fact it’s worse – I’ve put on a pound! But it has happened before. In the past I’ve often thought, “What’s the point? I may as well eat what I want and gain a pound,” which is exactly what I did. Not now, you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve learnt the error of my ways (hopefully) and I shall be sticking to the straight and narrow at least until our next lot of guests arrive in less than a week.

I’d love to tell you what I weigh so that you could experience the vicarious pleasure of weight loss with me but unfortunately, my weight shall have to remain a guarded secret for time being. Why? If you have to ask that question you must be a slimjim. Well,  as an old school friend said to me once, “I don’t want to, I don’t have to and I ain’t gonna!”

You might have guessed by the title that I’m dieting again, in between visitors. You know how it is – you feed up your guests with lovely home-cooked food (that you never make at any other time) like lovely new potatoes, roast potatoes, chips and puddings, not to mention fresh crusty loaves and butter with everything. Somehow, even though you have no intention of joining them in these feasts, you succomb to the pressure from all around you, such as, “Aren’t you having any fried breakfast, Sally? Do you really enjoy whole grain porridge every day?”  Actually, I hate whole grain porridge every day – I don’t even like the brown colour so I say, “Well, if you put it like that perhaps I’ll have a rasher of bacon and a few beans – no egg or fried bread – mind you, would a tiny piece make a difference do you think?” One piece wouldn’t make any difference but the longer your guests stay, the greater the difference.

That’s why I’m back on the Dukan diet (two days now and I’ve lost one pound – it was like pulling hen’s teeth out) and a very vigorous exercise and fitness regime. Yesterday it was a nice cycle ride in the morning followed by an exercise class at the gym in the evening (lots of nasty sit-up types of things); today we cycled again in the morning (I pushed myself to keep on the bike for longer than usual going up the hills) and I went to the gym again at six tonight. I thought the new pilates class was to start at six but it was six-thirty so instead of going home and coming out again I used the rowing machines and static bikes for half an hour. I was feeling fine during the pilates session, which is different to yoga because you have to breathe the opposite way (suited me down to the ground because I always used to breathe the wrong way when I did yoga!), and then I hurredly changed into my togs for an hour of aquacise. I twisted in the water to “Twist Again” and kicked and turned to “Rock Around the Clock” with great gusto and vigour.

All went well until the last ten minutes when Roy Orbison’s song, “Cry…iy…y…ing” came on for the cool down; then there was the lovely warm shower (I pressed the flow button four times for a shower twice as long as my usual) and I nearly fell asleep. My intended jog home began with a spurt that petered out in three seconds flat (and it’s all downhill from the Leisure Centre to the main road), and by the time I was almost home my thighs felt like lead and my empty stomach ached inside and out; I crossed the road in a kind of slow motion dream and hoped that I wouldn’t get run over by an aged cyclist riding up the hill. Luckily, she didn’t rev up and I made it. Still haven’t had any dinner though – I’ve been savouring the moment until I could close down my laptop and put my feet up. I’m so looking forward to a piece of cold chicken and lettuce leaves.

I hope the next lot of visitors (coming in under a week) will be totally unaware of all my trials and tribulations, after all I’m aiming to be the same size as I was when they saw me last three months ago. I wish we had fat guests so that I could give them all whole grain porridge for breakfast…

A little earlier on I came across these photos of my charming nephews – they certainly enjoyed posing for their aunty. Don’t worry, they didn’t go with us on our previous holiday to the South of France  – we like to have some fun (only kidding boys!). A little bit of PhotoShop magic put them in the pictures but honestly, they always pull strange faces when I attempt to take normal photos. Bless their hearts!

It is lovely living so close to the sea. Two days ago a pod of dolphins swam by as we sat having lunch on our terrace balcony which overlooks the sea (no houses in front of us, just Brunel’s famous railway line by the seawall below – our terrace is built into the cliff). The dolphins were too far away to photograph, not like a few years ago when they came right into shore and the leader allowed himself to be petted by we Dawlish residents who had gathered on the breakwater (read the chapter entitled “A Mermaid’s Tail” from my book, “The Innocent Flirt Down Under”, if you want to  learn more about the incident). Sorry if that sounded like a plug.

Upon awakening this morning I was greeted by the charming sight of an old ketch with red sails sailing quickly across the view of the sea from my bedroom window. In fact, it moved so fast that I scarcely had time to run and get my phone camera before it was nearly out of view – I shall have to sleep with the camera in future. It was, you may know, another beautiful sunny morning because we are having a heatwave here in England – a perfect day for cycling. As much as Chris and I were tempted to forego working in favour of going off for a picnic, we decided instead to take an hour out, cycling to Cockwood Harbour.

Tourists and locals alike were out early enjoying the sunshine; some had taken to their trusty old bikes, some were out walking their dogs, many were headed for the beach at Dawlish Warren; nearly all were smiling and called their hellos because everyone feels so much happier when we have weather like this. As you can see from my photographs, I couldn’t help but stop occasionally on the cyclepaths to chat to cute little dogs and curious cows in a neighbouring field. One cyclist zooming by called out, “You won’t get the benefit if you keep on stopping, Sally!” (she’s a local, and a loyal patron of mine). I didn’t argue – hardly had time to look around and see who it was before she was gone (managed to snap her from behind) – but I didn’t agree. I always benefit from being out and about, taking my leisure on a nice day. I am reminded of a poem I learnt as a primary school child in Australia…

Leisure