Two Little Jokes Off the Cuff

Roland (alias Birdman of Brisbane) keeps a few jokes up his sleeve; luckily, his shirts are well laundered so the gags are always nice and clean, and never too near the knuckle. Over the phone this morning I casually asked if he had any fresh jokes for me and, straight off the cuff, he replied:

“Should married couples be frank and earnest? Or should one be a woman?”

and…

“Do babies really come from storks [not to be confused with stalks]? Or is it just a load of poppycock?”

~~~~~~~~~

Incidentally, I much prefer the English interpretation of the word “poppycock” to the Dutch origin (according to online Merriam-Webster):

Origin of POPPYCOCK

Dutch dialect pappekak, literally, soft dung, from Dutch pappap + kak dung

First Known Use: 1865

 

For those of you with an avid interest in etymology (and Charlie Chaplin clips) I have pasted an interesting article that I found on Language Blog about the origins of the expression “Off the cuff”.

The “off the cuff” mystery

The other day, someone asked me about the origins of the phrase “off the cuff”. I’ve always assumed that it had something to do with the old practice of writing informal notes on men’s detachable (and disposable) cuffs. And the OED’s entry agrees, glossing it as

off the cuff (as if from notes made on the shirt-cuff) orig. U.S., extempore, on the spur of the moment, unrehearsed

But as far as I know, the practice of wearing detachable (and sometimes disposable) cuffs ended by the time of the first world war or even before, while the OED’s earliest citation for this idiom is from 1938:

1938 New York Panorama (Federal Writers’ Project, N.Y.) vi. 157   Double talk is created by mixing plausible-sounding gibberish into ordinary conversation, the speaker keeping a straight face or dead pan and enumerating casually or off the cuff.
1941 Time (Air Exp. Ed.) 4 Aug. 1/1   Talking off the cuff to a group of civilian-defense volunteers he made them a little homily.
1944 Penguin New Writing XX. 130   In that scene, shot off the cuff in a shockingly bad light, there leapt out of the screen..something of the real human guts and dignity.
1948 Economist 3 July 17/2   Mr. Truman’s off-the-cuff comment.


So I figured that the OED just hadn’t researched the idiom adequately. But a fairly extensive search through various online archives only antedated the OED’s citation by two years, to 1936:

The Google Ngrams plot shows origin in the 1930s, and adoption between 1945 and 1960:

My searches also informed me that the early uses of the phrase included not only that improvised-movie-making sense, but also the sense of alerting others to a random event, or perhaps enumerating a diverse list of events, presumably from notes jotting on one of those cuffs. Thus in November of 1942, Billboard began a regular column listing random events, under the heading “Off The Cuff”. Here are (what I think are) the first two:

Here’s some information about those disposable paper shirt cuffs, from Giles Slade, Made to Break: Technology and Obsolescence in America, 2007:

What has been called “disposable culture” or “the throwaway ethic” began in America around the middle of the nineteenth century when a variety of cheap materials became available to industry. Innovations in the machinery of paper production, for example, made paper a practical substitute for cloth. The millions of paper shirt fronts (bosoms, as they were called), as well as the collars and cuffs that adorned nineteenth-century American men, owed their commercial success to this technological advance.

The beauty of these disposable products, as far as paper manufacturers were concerned, was that demand for them seemed endless. In 1872 America produced 150 million disposable shirt collars and cuffs. Men found paper clothing parts convenient because laundry services in those days were unreliable, expensive, and available mainly in large urban centers. America was still predominantly a rural culture, and before the advent of modern washing machines in the twentieth centruy, laundry was an onerous, labor-intensive task undertaken by women once weekly on Blue Tuesday. Single men simpy lacked access to professional or spousal laundry services. They bought replaceable shirt parts in bulk and changed into them whenever the most visible parts of their attire became stained or discolored.

And all the evidence that I can find suggests that the fad for disposable paper cuffs ended well before 1900. Thus “History Lesson: Glen Paper Collar Co. owners were inventors first“, The Saratogian 8/24/2009:

During the 1870s, a peculiar clothing fad swept the country. Disposable cotton-based paper collars were introduced to the upper classes as a way of maintaining a fresh, white collar rather than attempting to clean soiled cloth collars.

Some of the first paper collars in the country were manufactured two miles north of Ballston by Lindley Murray Crane, a paper mill owner and holder of three patents. Henry Mann’s father also manufactured paper collar materials in nearby Factory Village for some years under the partnership of Mann & Laflin.

Medbery and Mann recognized the potential, and rented space at the Blue Mill to establish the Glen Paper Collar Co. In their first year, the partnership produced 9 million collars. Soon they occupied the entire building. In 1871, they built a five-story, 60-foot by 40-foot addition, reportedly constructed in 20 days. They rented the old Waverly Hall for use as a packing station and salesroom.

Shipments of collars increased. At its height in 1875, the factory was producing 21 million paper collars and 5 million paper cuffs annually employing 150 people, becoming one of the world’s biggest producers. […]

But the fad died out in the mid-1870s. In 1876 Medbery moved to Newburg,New York and became a member of the firm James A. Townsend & Co., manufacturers of writing papers.

This leaves us with four possibilities:

  1. Disposable paper cuffs remained in use, at least in certain groups, right up through 1950 or so;
  2. Movie directors, entertainment journalists, and politicians continued to write on their cuffs long after the cuffs ceased to be disposable;
  3. The expression “off the cuff” originated at some point around 1875, but managed to avoid appearing in print until 1936, and did not become common until the late 1940s, when the physical basis of the metaphor was long dead;
  4. The expression was born when the metaphor was already long dead.

My feeling is that (1) is implausible (2) is silly, (3) is unlikely, and (4) is weird.

So what happened?

Update — from W.W. Aulick, “The Theatre”,  The Gateway (“a magazine of the times”), May 1913:

“Pop” Flannery, of the City News, found fault with one of the stage reporters because he made a pencil note on his cuff. “Not a bit like it,” declared Mr. Flannery, “only a make-believe reporter makes notes on his cuff.”

Master James Murray, who looks after the Evening Journal at the Courts Building, hadn’t heard “Pop” Flannery’s remark. Mr. Murray told the manager of the Astor–just in a friendly sort of way y’understand–that it was too bad one of the stage reporters hadn’t been told to make a note or two on his cuff. “It would have been a realistic little touch, do you see?” pointed out Mr. Murray.

This suggests that in imagination or in reality, certain sorts of people continued to make notes on their cuffs long after the paper-cuffs fad had faded. Still, I rather doubt that this was a common real-world practice in the 1936-1950 period.

Update #2 — And, as Robert Coren points out in the comments, there’s this scene from Modern Times:

Given how popular Chaplin was, this might well explain why the concept and the associated idiom rose to prominence in the ten or fifteen years after the movie was released.

In conclusion, as I’ve learned from the comments, detachable cuffs were used as note pads even when they were not disposable; and the practice of starching the cuffs of (white) shirts apparently made them suitable for note-taking even when the cuffs were not detachable. This helps us to bridge the half-century gap between the end of the disposable-cuff fad and the rise of the “off-the-cuff” idiom. Still, the idiom grew in popularity at a time (the late 1940s) when the actual practice of writing notes on cuffs must have been nearly dead, at best a memory for older members of the American population — or, perhaps more likely, an image from that Charlie Chaplin movie.

Cyggie Talk – Way Down Upon the Swannee River

“Snort, snort, snort, grunt, grunt, hiss, snort”, three large cygnets, willed on lovingly by their mother, sang in unison from the middle of the Teign River (where it passes the Passage House Inn – at Newton Abbot – where, coincidentally, Chris chose to park by the river in order to read my blog posts to Mum, as he does every Saturday morning when we take Mum shopping.)

Translated from swan language, the final verse to a traditional swan song, followed by a conversation went something like this…

“When will I see de bees a-humming, All round de comb? When will I hear de banjo strumming, Down in my good old home?” the cygnets sang and their mother hissed her praise.

“Oh, Mama,” snorted the smallest cygnet who was also the brightest, “what’s de banjo?”

“De banjo,” their mama began grunting her explanation between snorts of laughter, “is a stringed instrument for strumming tunes like de one you were just hissing. It so funny, I thought you was going to ask what ‘de comb’ means, not de banjo!”

“Mama, I already know what de comb is. It be the funny looking red bit on de top of de chicken’s head – I wouldn’t want no bees a-humming aroun’ it if I were a chicken,” the little one rolled his eyes amusingly.

“All de world am dark and dreary today, Mama, ain’t it?” the eldest cygnet grunted his rhetorical question and he gave a wink to show that it was a joke – it was a cloudy day.

The mother swan arched her beautiful white neck back with pride and snorted like a drain.

“De pen is mightier than de sword!” hissed the third cygnet, knowing that her mother would not be able to stop snorting (she had an uncontrollable and peculiar snort – three short blasts and two long – that was rather comic and which endeared her to those around her).

“Ma, look over dare,” came a faint hissper from the youngest, “dat lady is taking photo’s of us with her mobile phone.”

“Can’t we ebber get no peace on dis ribber? Listen, dis is what we’ll do…” hisspered Penny and they huddled together, and their four long necks made two big hearts (one a little lopsided).

The mother and cygnets left their huddle and swam in an arrow, mother at the helm, towards me.

“Oh dear,” I thought, “they think I have food for them. Maybe they think my phone is a slice of pink cake or bread.” And, feeling guilty for any accidental deception, I made a run for it.

Back in the car I noted that they continued on their way to the same spot where I had been standing and they stayed there, necks peering over the grassy river bank to stare at me accusingly, for at least a minute or two. At last the penn led her little bevy away from the bank. I thought I heard her hiss and grunt:

“She’ll bring us some bread next time, my dears. Way down upon de Swanee Ribber…”

 

 

The Best Piano Tuner in the World

All my three brothers are handsome and clever but, according to our mum, Robert (her youngest – “Golden hairs”) has an extra string to his bow – “He is the best piano tuner in the world!” she tells everyone. You might assume that our mother is rather biased, however, the other day a phone call from far away (on the continent) seemed to support her opinion; I imagine the conversation went something like this….

– “Herr Robert Porch?”

– “Ya, I mean yes. This is Robert Porch. How may I help you?” (My little brother is very well mannered.)

– “Well, zis is Herr Klavier. I understand zat you are one our select team of tuners in Great Britain?”

– “That’s right, ya. Yes.”

– “Ze best in ze vorld, ya?”

– “It’s not for me to say -”

– “Zat’s alright, I haff it here in black and vhite. Now let me see….”

– “In black and white? It says that? Really?”

– “Ya, ya, I haff in mein hand ze piece of paper. Alzo, it says ‘Robert looks very goot in uniform’; you are a fireman as well – no?”

– “Vould you happen to be holding a letter from my mother?

– “Ya, ya! It’s very goot – your mama’s words really ‘struck a chord’, as we say at our remarkable piano company (real name withheld due to modesty on the part of the said company). She has all her ‘marbles’, zo she says. In my country we haff a lot of respect  for ze elderly mit the murmelm – marbles. Anyvay, Hrodebert, tomorrow vould you be able to make it to Falmouth in Cornvall to tune ze marvellous piano on ze sailink ship, ze Sea Cloud 11? I hope you don’t get ze sea-sickness.”

And so it was that Herr Hrodebert Porch of Dawlish went all the way down to Cornwall to tune a grand piano on-board a luxury cruise sailing vessel called the Sea Cloud 11; Frau Fiona accompanied him and they made a nice day of it. No doubt the captain was thrilled, also the pianist and the elite passengers (maximum ninety-four – in number, not age!); not to mention our Mum who knows for a fact that her youngest son is the best piano tuner in the world.

And on a note of interest….

The name Robert is a Germanic given name, from Old High German Hrodebert “bright with glory” (a compound of hruod “fame, glory” and berht “bright”). It is also in use as a surname.[1][2]

After becoming widely used in Continental Europe it entered England in its Old French form Robert, where an Old English cognate form (HrēodbēorhtHrodberhtHrēodbēorðHrœdbœrðHrœdberð) had existed before the Norman Conquest

My Body Says…

My body says:

“Thanks for losing those five pounds but that’s quite enough. Now that we’re slim why can’t we eat banana cake?”

My voluptuous body is deluded, of course; it thinks we live in Tonga.

After two weeks of “plateau” – neither up nor down despite the rigors of Dr Dukan’s protein diet (no fruit) – I decided to “take the bull by the horns” and last evening Ma Homet (or Porch, in this case) went up to the mountain, the mountain being the long steep hill up Sandy Lane to the Leisure Centre. The Leisure Centre is something of a misnomer – far from being a place to enjoy one’s leisure (time when one is not working or occupied; free time, spare time, spare moments, time to spare, idle hours, time offfreedomholidayrespitereliefease,peacequietrecreationrelaxation, inact-ivity, amusement, entertainmentpleasure,diversiondistractionfun, games, fun and games), it is the hub of arduous activity.

Take last night for example, I dragged my recalcitrant body along for what I thought was to be an hour of gentle Pilates; imagine the nasty shock when the receptionist informed, “That’s Thursday, Wednesday is ‘Bums, Tums and Thighs’ night” (the most vigorous of exercise classes bar circuit training). The instructress, thrilled to see a newcomer, came over immediately for a signature – she liked to keep track of her numbers. Without a sports bra, the “Keep it low if you prefer” option was heeded. The youngest member of the class, a twenty-year-old with a lovely bottom, goose-stepped rather than marched during lulls and I’ve taken that on board for future reference.

After an hour of constant bending, skipping, and jumping (albeit ‘low’) my body, rather than feeling enervated and sapped, was surprisingly stimulated; so much so that I had a sudden urge to enter the gym and spend twenty-five minutes on a cross-country machine at “Fat Burner” setting. The machine took a dictatorial stance and kept announcing in red lights “Slow down, the machine will adjust for heart rate reduction” (or something like that). My body said, “Nanny state!”

This morning Chris and I went for a lovely bike ride to Cockwood (after he fixed my flat tire); the tide was out – one of the old boating men of Cockwood said, “It was full a minute ago but someone pulled the plug. If you wait a while it’ll be back in…” But we didn’t stay because I was eager to get back to the Leisure Centre and –  who knows?- nice Brian might be there to make it a little less boring.

It was a bit boring on the cross-country machine (at ‘Fat Burner’ setting) and even on the rowing machine at I don’t know what setting (because I didn’t have my glasses) – everyone was too busy to chat. On the big screen girl singers, who all sounded the same to me, provided the necessary beat for regular exercise (glad it wasn’t River Dance or the machine would have gone into overdrive with warnings and red lights!) whilst I preferred to look out through the glass walls at the green fields and the sea in the distance. And then I went for a swim to cool down. Funny how fast some of those old people can swim, even in the slow lane.

What a surprise when I came out from the changing room – Brian was at reception.

“Want a piece of banana cake?” he tempted, “I cooked it myself!”

“Just a small bite because I’m on a diet and health kick,” I helped myself.

The cake was light, not too sweet and delicious. (Brian is an excellent baker – perhaps he’s in training for the “Great British Bake-off”.)

My starved and tired body said:

“Thank you!”

And in a short while I shall mosey over to the Leisure Centre for some gentle Pilates…

A Peek in the Pram

A short while ago I had a visit from little Rosie, aged nine days. Is there anything more lovable than a newborn? Want to have a peek in her pram?

An Old-Fashioned Husband

Chris has brought me a nice cup of weak tea and he comes back to bed for our first chat of the day, as we always do. I have barely opened my eyes yet when my husband says:

“My ear is no better and I’ve been using that powder for a full week now.”

“Oh?” I sit up and peer at his ear, uselessly, as it happens because I don’t have my glasses on, and anyway, I’m slightly squeamish about studying other people’s ailments and blemishes. “Do you want me look at it?”

“No, it’s alright, I’ve seen it myself – inasmuch as anyone can see in their own ear – and I can feel that it is no better,” Chris answers, perhaps sensing correctly that I’m not eager to make an examination.

“Are you sure that it is Athlete’s Foot’?” I inquire solicitously (like a good wife).

“No, of course it’s not ‘Athlete’s Foot!”

“Sorry, Athlete’s Ear,” I laugh (as wives do).

“Don’t be facetious, Sally. I wish I hadn’t mentioned it. But I thought it was a fungal infection, which, as you know, is why I’ve been using my old ‘Mycota Foot Powder'”, Chris says snootily.

He picks up the blue and white tin of Mycota (for Athlete’s Foot) and inspects it.

“When did you buy that?” I ask, “You haven’t had Athlete’s Foot in all the years I’ve known you – or didn’t you like to tell me about it?”

“Why would I try to hide it? No, it was years ago…”

“Well we’ve been together for seventeen years now,” I remind him.

“Perhaps the powder is out of date,” Chris searches the tin for a sell-by-date, “Oh, it was probably in the days before they had to have a sell-by-date. The price label is still on it… G.H. Powell, The High street, Caterham. Well I’ll be blowed.”

“Didn’t you live in Caterham when you were really young?” I have my eyes wide open now.

“Yes, I was there in about nineteen seventy one!”

We often have funny conversations in bed. And here is a photograph of the old Mycota tin that was purchased for a nasty bout of Athlete’s Foot over forty years ago.

 

Ground Control to Major Don (as in Duck) – A Place Oddity

An imagined transcript from Ground Control, Dawlish, at 10 hundred hours this morning:

Okay Guys and Gals, this is Ground Control. You’re a long way from home but don’t worry; everything is under control, except for my Canadian accent (just to make you feel at home). It’s a beautiful sunny morning here at Dawlish and there’s not a cloud to spoil the view. You sure chose the right field for takeoff – right on top of the cliffs.

Now you young’uns just remember the drill – you’ve done it all before – and there’s nothin’ to worry about. Okey Dokey.

Group One, I’d be much obliged if you’d gather in an orderly fashion to the far left, at the end of the longest clearway. Well done. You’re looking good and all set for takeoff. No, hold it! Pardonnez moi – there’s a couple of long-legged egrets overhead, coming from six o’clock. Patience… Okey Dokey. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one and we have liftoff!

Group Two, mosey on over to the same spot. Only twenty of you? Okay. You’re clear for take off. Ten, nine, eight….

Group Three, all sixty of you, now listen to me – don’t you go takin’ off early like those smart Alecs from group two. Glad to see you got Captain Drake in command. Hold your horses, think we got an arrow of swallows coming over the flight path – nope, they definitely have square tails – they’re martins. Okey dokey. Prepare for takeoff Captain Drake. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one… And up, up and away you go!

Group Four. Already in formation? Well done! Oh right? Three stragglers holding up takeoff? Step to it goosies – no time for preening yourselves when you’re in Group Four. Ten, nine, eight, seven… Okey Dokey, as you wish ladies.

Group Five, excuse me, Group Five? Ground Control to Group Five? Can’t you hear with your beaks full? You don’t need no more protein pills to get yourselves airborn. Sure I know you’re the flying aces but you gotta get into line just like the rest. We got rules to follow. Major Don, now you just bring the old guys down to the runway – come on. Ignore those cyclists sitting on the fence taking shots of you – it’s only a mobile camera, Major. Will Major Don and Group Five stop eating and please come down to the runway… Can you hear me Major Don? Can you hear me Major Don? Is there nothing I can do?

Okey Dokey, you’re taking off in a most peculiar way…. There is nothing I can do.

And for those of you who are trying to remember the words of “Space Oddity”….

Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills
and put your helmet onGround Control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown,
engines on
Check ignition
and may God’s love be with you

[spoken]
Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Liftoff

This is Ground Control
to Major Tom
You’ve really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it’s time to leave the capsule
if you dare

This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
And I’m floating
in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do

Though I’m past
one hundred thousand miles
I’m feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much
she knows

Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit’s dead,
there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you….

Here am I floating
round my tin can
Far above the Moon
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do.

Cockwood Harbour at Dusk

It was six-thirty, the end of a day of painting beaches on canvas (will show you tomorrow), and I felt desperate for a cycle ride.

“Where shall we ride?” Chris asked.

“Where else?” I answered.

The sun glowed red behind the fields at Dawlish Warren and I felt sure that if we rode on quickly to Cockwood Harbour we would catch the sunset on the water. As you can see, we weren’t disappointed. However we had to ride like the wind homewards before it became completely dark.

The Clever Jurors

With thanks to Roland, the Bird-man of Brisbane, for this joke. Incidentally, for all you ornithologists out there, Roland thinks you should be aware that I made obvious errors in two posts last week by calling the Scaly-breasted Lorikeet  (poor thing!) a Rozella, and by omitting the word ‘Rainbow’ before Lorikeet (see photographs below). Now for the joke…

A barrister was addressing the jury of a murder trial with his summation:

“Members of the jury, we are relying upon your intelligence, discernment and fair-mindedness to come to the only reasonable conclusion – that the accused is innocent. Let’s look at the facts: the evidence is purely circumstantial; reports of the animosity between my client and the alleged victim is hearsay – and therefore not admissible as evidence; and, most importantly, there is no body. Why, at this very moment the alleged victim might walk through that door (he points to the door). What would you think if the alleged victim walked through that door right now? In fact, I ask you now to please spare one minute to look at the door.”

The jurors turned their heads and stared expectantly at the huge courtroom door. The court was so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop. Two minutes passed and, just as the court began to get fidgety, the barrister broke the silence.

“Thank you members of the jury,” the barrister looked pleased instead of crestfallen. “Can you tell me why, if you thought the alleged victim was murdered, you all turned your heads towards the door? I contend that the answer is simple – you don’t believe that he was murdered. I ask the jury, in all your wisdom, to acquit the accused of murder and throw the case out of court.”

Half an hour later the jury came back and the judge asked for the verdict. The foreman stood and said solemnly:

“Guilty my Lord.”

“I thought you said the jurors were intelligent,” the convicted man whispered, quite shocked, as he touched the sleeve of his counsel.

“They are,” said the barrister.

“But they all turned their heads and expected Al to walk through the door,” he argued, bemused.

“Yes they did,” the barrister agreed before adding, “but you didn’t!”

Not a Wine Buff (or Bluff)

Anyone who knows me well would not be surprised to learn that I’m no wine buff, they might even regard me as almost teetotal (well my maternal grandparents were “Band of Hope”. In truth, when not dieting (which is not very often – I do try to be good), I’m not averse to the odd glass of wine, Pimms, gin and tonic or the first sip of a cold glass of lager on a hot day: and when I’m in France… I drink like the locals – like a fish – because I speak better French after a few glasses of wine (at least I think I do).

On Friday evening our friend and neighbour, Caroline, called around for drinks. Now Caroline is a beautiful, vivacious party-goer and something of a wine connoisseur; I gathered the latter because, earlier in the day, she said that she wanted to repay a kindness from Chris with a bottle of good wine.

“What kind of wine does Chris like?” she inquired.

“Um…” I racked my brains, “I know he likes Chardonnay…”

“Oh, he likes white wine?” Caroline raised her eyebrows.

“Well sometimes but he likes red wine too. Isn’t Chardonnay the nice buttery white wine?” I wondered if there was something wrong with liking white wine.

“No, I think it’s a bit oaky.” (This is where Caroline showed her great knowledge of wine matters.)

“Okay, I must be mistaken. Say, I’ll ask Chris what he likes and let you know when I see you later.”

Four hours later the gorgeous wine expert was seated in our lounge-room and I remembered what Chris had told me…

“Oh, by the way, Chris likes Ricotta wine. Hold on… no that’s not right… that’s -”

“A cheese!” laughed Caroline finishing my sentence.

“Well it sounds like Ricotta. It begins with an “R” and sounds similar to Ricotta.Oh, what is it Chris?” I called out to my husband who was uncorking a bottle of wine in the kitchen.

“Rioja!” he called back, “It’s Spanish!” (That bit of information made all the difference to me.)

Chris entered the lounge with a bottle of red wine (of some particular sort, which was quite nice as it turned out) and three glasses.

“In this regard Sally reminds me of my mother,” Chris turned to Caroline and I knew he was going to tell a funny story. “You see, my father had been a teetotaller all his life so we never had any alcohol in our house – I made up for it in ‘the city’ when I had left home – and Mum never went into a pub until my dad passed away. My mum’s boyfriend wasn’t teetotal – Arthur liked going into pubs – and one day we were all in a pub; the barman looked at my mother and asked for her order. She answered, ‘I’ll have an orange juice and he’ll have a Manikin!’”

“What did she mean?” I asked (just to make sure I was right).

“A Heineken,” Chris said and he and Caroline looked at me surprised.

“Of course, that’s what I thought,” I bluffed.

And I took a sip from my half-glass of the nice wine – I’m still on my diet.