An imagined transcript from Ground Control, Dawlish, at 10 hundred hours this morning:
Okay Guys and Gals, this is Ground Control. You’re a long way from home but don’t worry; everything is under control, except for my Canadian accent (just to make you feel at home). It’s a beautiful sunny morning here at Dawlish and there’s not a cloud to spoil the view. You sure chose the right field for takeoff – right on top of the cliffs.
Now you young’uns just remember the drill – you’ve done it all before – and there’s nothin’ to worry about. Okey Dokey.
Group One, I’d be much obliged if you’d gather in an orderly fashion to the far left, at the end of the longest clearway. Well done. You’re looking good and all set for takeoff. No, hold it! Pardonnez moi – there’s a couple of long-legged egrets overhead, coming from six o’clock. Patience… Okey Dokey. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one and we have liftoff!
Group Two, mosey on over to the same spot. Only twenty of you? Okay. You’re clear for take off. Ten, nine, eight….
Group Three, all sixty of you, now listen to me – don’t you go takin’ off early like those smart Alecs from group two. Glad to see you got Captain Drake in command. Hold your horses, think we got an arrow of swallows coming over the flight path – nope, they definitely have square tails – they’re martins. Okey dokey. Prepare for takeoff Captain Drake. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one… And up, up and away you go!
Group Four. Already in formation? Well done! Oh right? Three stragglers holding up takeoff? Step to it goosies – no time for preening yourselves when you’re in Group Four. Ten, nine, eight, seven… Okey Dokey, as you wish ladies.
Group Five, excuse me, Group Five? Ground Control to Group Five? Can’t you hear with your beaks full? You don’t need no more protein pills to get yourselves airborn. Sure I know you’re the flying aces but you gotta get into line just like the rest. We got rules to follow. Major Don, now you just bring the old guys down to the runway – come on. Ignore those cyclists sitting on the fence taking shots of you – it’s only a mobile camera, Major. Will Major Don and Group Five stop eating and please come down to the runway… Can you hear me Major Don? Can you hear me Major Don? Is there nothing I can do?
Okey Dokey, you’re taking off in a most peculiar way…. There is nothing I can do.
-
- Major Don at the ready
And for those of you who are trying to remember the words of “Space Oddity”….
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills
and put your helmet onGround Control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown,
engines on
Check ignition
and may God’s love be with you
[spoken]
Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Liftoff
This is Ground Control
to Major Tom
You’ve really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it’s time to leave the capsule
if you dare
This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
And I’m floating
in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do
Though I’m past
one hundred thousand miles
I’m feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much
she knows
Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit’s dead,
there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you….
Here am I floating
round my tin can
Far above the Moon
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do.