Who doesn’t want lovely soft full lips?  Now you can forget ideas about conventional and costly lip enhancement procedures – no need for nerve-withering Botox injections, invasive cow udder insertions or chemical peels – because a couple of nights ago I discovered the answer to achieving the perfect big lip look for free (and no nasty trout pout). Mind you, no pain, no gain, as they say (for extremely good reason in this instance)…

Well, I was starving after a long day of painting; and of going up and down the outside steps, and bending myself double over banister rails, and crouching, leaning and stretching my limbs beyond their normal bounds. I was looking forward to a small piece of fillet steak, as recommended by Dr. Dukan. First I fried some onion and mushrooms in a little olive oil and, when they were almost cooked, I flash-fried the steak in the same pan; a minute or two later I took out the steak and made a sauce by adding milk and cream into the softened onion rings and mushroom slices. Having poured the delicious mushroom sauce over the steak, I was about to put the pan in the kitchen sink when I noticed some tasty remnants of the sauce still clinging to the sides of the pan… You can guess what happened next.

The wooden spoon, only partially covered in sauce, appeared deceptively innocuous and tempting. You may be relieved to learn that the molten mushroom mixture never reached the inside of my mouth – by chance it hit my top lip first and stayed for some moments while, stupefied with pain and shock, I considered the best course of action.

It was quite difficult to eat my steak dinner whist my top lip let off steam in a glass of cold water. In fact, I had rather lost my appetite for anything hot. Dr. Dukan would have been pleased. My attention turned quickly to dessert – a nice raspberry “Smoothie” (on a stick) from the freezer (only 82 calories Dr. Dukan). Now that was just what the doctor ordered. I let the frozen red lolly thaw on my swollen hot lips.

“Goodness,” said Chris beaming from ear to ear, “you look like Barbara Cartland!” (Perhaps you can remember the famous authoress, especially as an old lady, because whenever she appeared on talk-shows she wore pink chiffon dresses and lots of make-up, including lashings of pink lipstick.)

I giggled at the thought.

“Go and look at yourself in the mirror,” added Chris.

I did so and burst out laughing. The red dye from the raspberry “Smoothie” not only looked like bright pink lipstick, but it also went well over my natural lip line and even had a cupid’s bow, as if I had painted it like that intentionally (as some ladies do, except that mine made my lip seem twice the size).

“No not exactly Barbara Cartland,” Chris was in deep thought as he stood by the bathroom door frame, “more like… oh, the actress – what’s her name?”

Stood before the bathroom mirror, instantly I knew the name he was searching for. Chris thought of it at the same moment.

“Baby Jane!” we said in unison. (We meant Bette Davis playing Baby Jane from the old thriller, “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?)

And no, I didn’t take any photo’s of my big hot lips – the photographs below are of Bette Davis, not me!